Clients often confess to having low self-esteem. Its importance cannot be underestimated – it is key to negotiating the trials of life. While low self-esteem is not a disorder, its symptoms can undermine us and lead to anxiety and depression. We all have the power to raise it, but the solution is in our own hands rather than the prescription pad of our GP.
The foundations of low self-esteem are often found in our environment. Like building a new house, the circumstances and terrain are often instrumental to how proudly it stands. Those fortunate to have good parenting and material comfort often find it easier to make a safe happy home. For those lacking them, a more circuitous route may be needed.
Winning the lottery of life helps, but our self-esteem is not forever set in stone. Hardship can toughen us up for later trials and increase our self-belief after surviving them. Suffering can empower us when reflected on philosophically. Meanwhile, those given far more than their needs can develop a warped and entitled view. The spoiled and narcissistic are rarely happy souls for long.
Self-esteem grows by degrees, built up brick by brick and floor by floor. Even when attained, it can be blown suddenly away by a hurricane of bad events. The death of a loved one… the loss of a job… the misfortune of being born into what the Chinese proverb euphemistically describes as ‘interesting times’.
Building self-esteem can be a slow process for those punch-drunk from the slings and arrows of misfortune. Some may need more good experiences to compensate for the poor ones. But we can build it by slow incremental changes that change the trajectory of our lives towards where we want to be. The confidence of succeeding in one field can spill over into new ones. Progress in sport or work are good examples as are academic or vocational training where we have overcome our initial fears. It might be the slow painful jog around the block that one day ends in the completed marathon. It is wiser to focus on your strengths rather than obsessing over perceived weaknesses.
Keeping the dream of our small successes in our mind’s eye helps us overcome our doubts when we take our next faltering steps on the road ahead. With each new one, it becomes easier to take more. Witness the self-made entrepreneur who has won and lost, and won again. While fear holds many back, such people seize each day as if it is their last. We may see them as different, but they are made from the same flesh and blood as us.
A helping hand
If friends and family can’t provide sufficient support, counselling can offer a safe supportive environment to compensate. As with all therapy, real gains come from clients making their own decisions about their lives. Objective professional guidance enables this, while helping you avoid straying from the path and losing sight of the finish.
Talking therapies are useful when a significant experience has affected us badly. By recovering from the damage wrought, it can give us back the position of strength from which to make changes. Significant others may have undermined us with criticisms or unrealistic expectations, which more rightly reflect on their own shortcomings. Unmasking these warped views and influences can free us to be ourselves in our own image.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often recommended in building self-esteem. It can help clients improve their quality of life and give them a sense of overseeing their destiny. It can also help challenge negative thinking about abilities, luck and circumstances, while addressing the bad influences and habits that drag us down. In a Western society that often promotes us having it all – it can help reset expectations to something attainable and realistic, while exposing the tantalising promises of advertising that build false dreams for the profit of others. You are the architect of your own dreams. What you build may not match the splendours of your imagination, but the actual bricks and mortar you lay down will bring far greater meaning and contentment than your wistful daydreams.
You don’t need a magic wand to raise your self-esteem. A thoughtful positive engagement with life can soon bring dividends. All you need is the desire for a greater sense of self-worth – the belief will follow your actions.
Further information
These links offer a mine of information in understanding the importance of self-esteem along with options for treatment to help you build it up and maximise your potential.
nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/raising-low-self-esteem
mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem