‘Before handing over the reins, one of the last actions taken by editor Phil Lattimore was to gaze at my current mobile phone with a mixture of disdain and incredulity.’

‘That dwindling minority inhabiting this world are perhaps the AV equivalents of a Neanderthal man scratching his oversized forehead with bemusement at the more successful antics of the smaller, hairless wonders frolicking around him.’

‘These are inevitably compromised in built-up areas by the fall out of fist-sized chunks of lead that hurtle from the sky towards the soft heads of those not actively practicing terrorism.’

‘But alongside their delicate corn-fed posteriors are the wider slung butts of the lumpen proletariat, whose very ancestors gleefully waved two fingers at the French.’

'When Peter was on telly – they simply got their cameras out and took photographs of him'

'Ellie is literally shot into space in a device modelled on an alien bath-tub.'

‘Step 1 seems to involve going off for a year and learning HTML before moving to the next ‘simple’ step.’

‘Not many people know the pyramids at Giza are found on the edge of a sprawling Cairo suburb. You’re not working for the tourist board so get the shot nobody sees.’

‘It’s not that bad looking – just remember to put it back in the cellar when you’ve finished your viewing.’

'We’re talking angry zombie ducks – the kind of avian scum that have ruined many a gentle summer evening around the village pond.’