Anger Management: When the Red Mist Falls

Anger may be a perfectly natural emotion, but its effects are too often damaging.

Biologically, it was valuable as a response to danger – it triggered the red light of fight or flight. This was handy 10,000 years ago when sabre-toothed tigers strayed onto our patch but is generally less useful in the modern world! Persistent out of control anger is invariably destructive. Examples of such outbursts are increasingly witnessed in our stressed society. While righteous anger can be a healthy response to the world’s problems, when it’s manifested as road rage, public meltdowns, domestic abuse, or drunken brawls, the symptoms are problems in themselves.

While my clients often report being the victims of aggressive anger, they often don’t realise how much lies within them – just beneath the surface. Displays of anger can mask underlying emotions such as shame, guilt, or fear of criticism. Anger is also manifested inwardly in the guise of self-criticism, self-harm or abuse of alcohol or drugs. Such ‘treatments’ may bring temporary relief, but in the long run they usually exacerbate the problem. Similarly, non-confrontational displays of passive-aggression are hard for others to decipher. And like the quiet rumblings of a volcano, they may eventually lead to violent unexpected eruptions of temper.

For those who habitually lose their temper, it invariably does more harm than good. Some may think it’s a show of strength, but it usually betrays a loss of control. Others see anger as ‘just a natural emotional response’ to a situation, but it can damage relationships as well as creating a toxic cloud around the perpetrator. Another myth is that angry outbursts are psychologically healthy – but it usually just increases frustration as well as alienating those burned by its fiery blast. Furthermore, chronic anger is detrimental to our health. When a body blows a fuse – it may do so with a heart-attack or a stroke.

Controlling the Dark Side…

When the sources of your frustrations are understood, anger can be healthily harnessed to actively overcome them.

Counselling can uncover these deep roots. Talking therapy helps unveil some of these difficult hidden feelings, while Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can teach us to deal better with situations that provoke anger. CBT can identify faulty thinking that is often learned in dysfunctional upbringings or situations where we felt powerless. In some families or environments, expressing any emotion is discouraged. The stereotypical ‘stiff upper lip’ of the British reflects this unhealthy habit of bottling it up. CBT can also identify the negative thinking that often lies beneath. Such thinking is symbolised by the regular use of words like ‘always’, ‘should’, or ‘ought’ in expressions such as ‘Why does this always happen to me?’ When people think, and feel like this, they often make bad decisions. When a situation reminds them of a painful experience – separate from what is really happening – they may compensate by over-reacting. And the wrong person usually gets blamed.

Counselling can teach us more creative and positive ways to respond. Its uglier forms can be controlled by simple calming techniques – such as counting to ten or breathing more slowly and deeply. This can reverse the biological response where more oxygen is inhaled to prepare us for action. Such ploys help us choose the best strategy. The solution is usually quite different from the first instinctive reaction. The large brain we have developed over the millennia has evolved to let us reflect on all the circumstances once the immediate danger has passed. It’s what separates us from more primitive species. It seems a shame not to use it!

While the links below offer practical tips in self-control, sometimes more specialist professional help is needed in the form of anger management. For those on the other side of the fence, various organisations exist to help victims of physical or emotional abuse.

For most of us, general lifestyle choices such as exercise, good diet and healthy sleep patterns are good protections against our frustrations boiling over, while channelling negative feelings into a healthy creative activity can improve our lives exponentially.

We can always have too much of a good thing, but with thoughtful management, anger can be a force for good. Successful people often confess to having a dark side. Maybe they have just learned how to make a strength out of their very human weakness.

Useful links

For a better understanding of anger and how best to deal with its problems go to:
nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/controlling-anger
helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anger/#.W9xhWpP7TIU

To gauge your own susceptibility to anger, try the quizzes at
angermanage.co.uk
moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/Anger.asp​

Organisations for victims of severe anger include:
refuge.org.uk
womensaid.org.uk
avpbritain.org.uk

Building self-esteem

Clients often confess to having low self-esteem. Its importance cannot be underestimated – it is key to negotiating the trials of life. While low self-esteem is not a disorder, its symptoms can undermine us and lead to anxiety and depression. We all have the power to raise it, but the solution is in our own hands rather than the prescription pad of our GP.

The foundations of low self-esteem are often found in our environment. Like building a new house, the circumstances and terrain are often instrumental to how proudly it stands. Those fortunate to have good parenting and material comfort often find it easier to make a safe happy home. For those lacking them, a more circuitous route may be needed.

Winning the lottery of life helps, but our self-esteem is not forever set in stone. Hardship can toughen us up for later trials and increase our self-belief after surviving them. Suffering can empower us when reflected on philosophically. Meanwhile, those given far more than their needs can develop a warped and entitled view. The spoiled and narcissistic are rarely happy souls for long.

Self-esteem grows by degrees, built up brick by brick and floor by floor. Even when attained, it can be blown suddenly away by a hurricane of bad events. The death of a loved one… the loss of a job… the misfortune of being born into what the Chinese proverb euphemistically describes as ‘interesting times’.

Building self-esteem can be a slow process for those punch-drunk from the slings and arrows of misfortune. Some may need more good experiences to compensate for the poor ones. But we can build it by slow incremental changes that change the trajectory of our lives towards where we want to be. The confidence of succeeding in one field can spill over into new ones. Progress in sport or work are good examples as are academic or vocational training where we have overcome our initial fears. It might be the slow painful jog around the block that one day ends in the completed marathon. It is wiser to focus on your strengths rather than obsessing over perceived weaknesses.

Keeping the dream of our small successes in our mind’s eye helps us overcome our doubts when we take our next faltering steps on the road ahead. With each new one, it becomes easier to take more. Witness the self-made entrepreneur who has won and lost, and won again. While fear holds many back, such people seize each day as if it is their last. We may see them as different, but they are made from the same flesh and blood as us.

A helping hand

If friends and family can’t provide sufficient support, counselling can offer a safe supportive environment to compensate. As with all therapy, real gains come from clients making their own decisions about their lives. Objective professional guidance enables this, while helping you avoid straying from the path and losing sight of the finish.

Talking therapies are useful when a significant experience has affected us badly. By recovering from the damage wrought, it can give us back the position of strength from which to make changes. Significant others may have undermined us with criticisms or unrealistic expectations, which more rightly reflect on their own shortcomings. Unmasking these warped views and influences can free us to be ourselves in our own image.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often recommended in building self-esteem. It can help clients improve their quality of life and give them a sense of overseeing their destiny. It can also help challenge negative thinking about abilities, luck and circumstances, while addressing the bad influences and habits that drag us down. In a Western society that often promotes us having it all – it can help reset expectations to something attainable and realistic, while exposing the tantalising promises of advertising that build false dreams for the profit of others. You are the architect of your own dreams. What you build may not match the splendours of your imagination, but the actual bricks and mortar you lay down will bring far greater meaning and contentment than your wistful daydreams.

You don’t need a magic wand to raise your self-esteem. A thoughtful positive engagement with life can soon bring dividends. All you need is the desire for a greater sense of self-worth – the belief will follow your actions.

Further information

These links offer a mine of information in understanding the importance of self-esteem along with options for treatment to help you build it up and maximise your potential.

nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/raising-low-self-esteem

mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem

psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/self-esteem

The Perils of Social Media

Social media has transformed how we interact, but also brings its demons into the realms of communication.

Stories in the traditional media abound with the dangers – particularly for the young. Cyber-bullying kills. Fake News incites hate and ignorance. Doctored images of the beautiful and famous create looks unattainable for ‘normal’ folk. Likes and retweets are vainly sought to create illusions of popularity or importance. With 91 per cent of 16-24-year-olds using social media, these issues are rife. For such ‘Digital Natives’ this addictive behaviour is perhaps understandable, but its omnipresence also affects those brought up in a simpler analogue world.

With technology moving ever faster, platforms from YouTube and MySpace to Facebook, Twitter and Instagram drop in and out of fashion with bewildering speed. On the plus side, social media can improve user’s sense of community, self-expression and self-identity. How it’s used obviously plays a major role, but it’s perhaps worth noting that a recent survey rated YouTube as the most positive – with Instagram coming bottom. The BBC described the latter as ‘the worse social media platform when it comes to young people’s mental health’.

The digital world never sleeps. Information overload is easy when you’re presented with the random thoughts, favourite TV shows, and home-cooked dinners of a 100 people you half-know. In comparison, our own lives can seem rather dull – hence the popularity of the very modern acronym: FOMO – or Fear of Missing Out. As our connections multiply – many of us feel lonely gazing through a computer window at the airbrushed lives of others.

It is hard to disappear beneath the radar or switch off from 24-hour technology. Insomnia is a common symptom of anxiety and depression and staring at your smartphone at 2am rarely soothes the mind. Many of my clients – young and old – discuss the stress induced by following social media… how ever-widening social circles are diluted rather than enriched… how Facebook friends are less reliable than real ones… how the allegedly glamorous lives of others make us question the adequacy of our own existence.

The unceasing flow of data does not increase its quality or meaning. Some follow world events obsessively, but when the news agenda is dominated by negativity, it’s a habit that can darken our perception of humankind. And while pictures can say a thousand words, the blur of images can blunt our sensitivity rather than educate and enlighten. Billions of years of evolution has given us five senses – social media discards all but two!

Social media ultimately challenges us to sell ourselves. The increasing worship of physical appearance – let alone the visual lies created by digital editing – can promote insecurity about how we look. It encourages us to be seen and heard above the noise of everyday life. Perhaps it’s best symbolised by the tourist tool of a Selfie-stick with which we become both the subject and object of our own experiences. Might we not be missing something in between?

Taking back control

Problems created by social media lack the direct and painful sting of death, heartbreak or serious illness, but using it excessively can heighten the symptoms of other issues.

The cure is not rocket science. Reducing use is an obvious antidote, but a hard medicine for many to swallow. As going on-line is now ‘normal’ behaviour, we may not realise how much it helps or hinders our everyday life. To evaluate these effects, try calculating the ratio between how often you check your social media with how often it brings new meaning and happiness to your life! From here, you can perhaps devise a happy medium – not just in the time you spend on it, but on which parts have a positive or negative influence on your life. Make the adjustments and bring some balance back.

In therapy, we encourage people to look into themselves to discover what they really want away from the distracting demands and influences of others. Detaching yourself from a billion confusing and contradictory worlds on social media may perform a similarly useful and insightful role. And once you know yourself better, you can Like yourself without having to log in for approval from others.

Further information

If you are worried about the effects of social media on yourself or someone you know, speak to your GP about how counselling may help. As a parent, you can also help by finding out more about your child’s social media consumption and its effects on them.

The report discussed in the blog was compiled by the Royal Society for Public Health (RSPH), an independent charity working to improve the health and well-being of the public. It makes recommendations for those with influence in changing our social media habits, such as schools, organisations and governments.

Briefly, it suggested pop-up warnings for excessive use; icons highlighting when photos are digitally manipulated; health information to be certified as trust-worthy; safe social media to be taught in school; for platforms to identify vulnerable users and sign-post help; for youth workers to have social media training; and more research made for the effects of social media on mental health.

For the full report, go to nhs.uk/news/food-and-diet/instagram-ranked-worst-for-mental-health-in-teen-survey.